The Night They Raided Bowie... Article: 1974

"You remember Trevor and Woody, don't you..

"And the rumour spread that I was ageing fast"

David Bowie "Width Of A Circle."

NO, NOT that fast, sweetheart. Why, a Philadelphia cop wouldn't even believe that you were over twenty-one.

Let's begin, appropriately enough, in the middle. Bowie and his entourage (played by Mike Garson, Ava Cherry, Jeffrey Mac-Cormack A.K.A. War-ren Peace, two body-guards and assorted guides) were sitting in this Philly club called the Artemis, previewing Daring Dave's new_al-bum (see news pages for the squalid details) when, whammo!, at 3 a.m. the Philly Phuzz schlepped in in search of under-age drinkers and other vicious criminals.

A bunch of kids actually had the temerity to be in possession of false identity papers! Imagine that!

So Bowie and his gang attempted to exit by squeezing through the embattled throng. Ava Cherry (who's a

NME's lensman-on-the-loose JOE STEVENS was there. This is his report.

bright, mature 22) was in the lead and got re-buffed by a police captain who took one look at her and growled, "If ya ain't got no proof of yore age, siddown, miss!"

Ms Cherry turned away in disbelief, and Bowie pushed forward to meet with similar treatment.

"You don't believe that I'm not at least 21 years of age? Incredible! That's quite flat-tering, actually. Why, every-one knows that I'm at least 52."

After a few minutes of huddled discussion among themselves, the cops agreed to let the Bowie party go after all, leaving us to ponder their motives. The kids who were unable to produce the required identification were prob-

ably herded to the station to await bail from their parents, and probably a hiding after-wards.

Throughout it all, Bowie signed autographs and chat-ted cheerfully with the kids. One young thing who was detained for lack of proof of age, offered David her body. "When I get out of jail, David," she breathed, "I want to sleep with you."

Once all that was over with, the party split back to the hotel by limo and ordered some breakfast. Just in case you didn't know, breakfast (bacon, eggs, etc.) for 15 people at the Barclay Hotel will set you back no less than $375.

Image, wise, the fag-tag on Bowie seems to be on the downswing, and winning "worst-dressed woman" awards seems to be a thing of the past.

The man who once said "I'm gay and I've always been gay" appears to have abando-ned the limp wrist set.

His ex-spokesperson, Cherry Vanilla, lays it down this way: 'David knows how to turn anyone on. He's hot all the time, but he never sleeps with guys. I've seen him kiss guys on the mouth he knows how to do it to them, that's for sure - but he never sleeps with them. Never."

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen, and all the ships at sea. Your sons are safe from Beckenham pop stars, but Lawdy! - watch out for your daughters!